I KNOW THIS IS SOMETHING WE TALKED ABOUT WHILE WE WERE IN NEW MEXICO, BUT THERE'S MORE TO THIS THAT I FEEL DESERVES EXPLAINING. I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT THESE KINDS OF THINGS. ADDRESSING MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THROUGH LETTERS. YOU'D THINK I WOULD BE, CONSIDERING HOW GROSSLY SENTIMENTAL I AM, BUT I'M NOT. I ALWAYS PREFER TO DO IT FACE TO FACE. BUT THIS ONE MIGHT DESERVE THE WRITTEN WORD.
EARLY ON WHEN THE SHIFTS STARTED, I KNEW WHAT I WANTED OUT OF THEM. I WAITED SO PATIENTLY FOR THE TWO OF US TO BECOME WHOLE, BECAUSE I FELT LIKE THERE HAD BEEN A CHUNK OF ME MISSING FOR SO LONG. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE TO FIND SOMETHING TO FILL THAT VOID DURING THOSE WEEKS WHEN I WAS JUST ME. I FILLED IT WITH FOOD, AND FRIENDS, AND ATTENTION, AND LOVE, AND NOTHING CAME CLOSE TO FINDING THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR SOUL. I KNEW THERE WAS ALWAYS A PART OF ME THAT WAS STRONGER AND MORE CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING THE THINGS I WANTED TO ACHIEVE. THERE WAS SOMEONE THAT KNEW THAT IT WAS OKAY TO NOT BE LOVED BY SOMEONE AND UNDERSTOOD THAT MARRIAGE AND A FAMILY SHOULD NEVER BE AN ENDGAME GOAL. THAT PART OF ME WAS DINAH. THAT PART OF ME IS DINAH. AND THAT PART OF ME IS HERE TO STAY. MAYBE BECAUSE I ASKED HER NICELY, OR MAYBE BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN INDIA, I REACHED A LEVEL OF FINDING MYSELF THAT UNLOCKED SOME NEW ACHIEVEMENT. WHATEVER IT WAS, I JUST REMEMBER WAKING UP AND SAYING TO MYSELF, "HELLO, OLD FRIEND." AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON, I FELT BIGGER THAN ALL OF THIS. I FELT LIKE I UNCOVERED SOME GREAT SECRET THAT WAS ONLY FOR ME TO KNOW. MAKES SENSE, RIGHT? I'VE BEEN DOING THIS LONGER THAN MOST PEOPLE WE KNOW, SO WHY WOULDN'T THIS HAPPEN TO ME? SO I WENT BACK TO BOSTON WITH THIS NEW FOUND SENSE OF SELF AND I WENT BACK WITH MY HEAD DOWN, CHARGING AT EVERYTHING I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH HEAD ON.
IT DIDN'T WORK THE WAY I WANTED IT TO. I NEVER THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE ANY PUSH BACK FROM EITHER ONE OF US. WHEN I DOUBTED MY SELF WORTH, SHE PUSHED, WHEN I GOT UPSET, SHE PUSHED, WHENEVER I DID ANYTHING, SHE PUSHED. IT FELT LIKE I WAS FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE WITH MYSELF, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT THAT TO BE THE DOMINANT PERSONALITY, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE IT, EITHER.
THERE WAS A DAY EARLY ON WHEN I HAD LONG CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT I WANTED OUT OF THIS, AND WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE DOING THIS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. I'M ALMOST 31 YEARS OLD AND IT'S TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO REALLY FIND MYSELF. I'VE HAD MORE PEAKS AND TRENCHES OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS THAN MOST PEOPLE WILL EVER SEE IN THEIR LIVES AND I JUST WANTED TO FIND SOME SENSE OF BALANCE AND FIND MYSELF ON A PATH OF HEALTHIER WELL BEING. MAYBE NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO YOU BECAUSE IT DOESN’T NECESSARILY AFFECT YOU. BUT IN THE LONG RUN, I WILL MAKE A BETTER PARTNER FOR YOU IF I BECOME A BETTER VERSION OF MYSELF, FOR MYSELF. IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME, IN WHICH I ASK THAT YOU'RE PATIENT WITH ME WHILE I FIGURE OUT HOW TO BALANCE THIS THING.
I TRY SO HARD TO BE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. I KNOW SOMETIMES THAT I TRY TOO HARD AND IT'S ANNOYING, SO I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. I'M HOPING THIS CHANGE WILL BE GOOD FOR BOTH OF US. I WANT YOU TO BENEFIT FROM IT TOO, AS YOU'RE NOW A PINNACLE PART OF WHO I AM. BUT KNOW WHEN I GET EMOTIONAL AND UPSET AND START TO PUSH, SOMETIMES IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. MOST OF THE TIME IT'S ME, AND I PULL AWAY BECAUSE I GET UPSET WITH MYSELF AND HOW I'VE CONDUCTED MYSELF. I'M WORKING ON IT.
ABOVE ALL, I'M SORRY IF SOMETIMES I'M TOO MUCH, AND ESPECIALLY IF I'M NOT ENOUGH. THE LIVES WE LIVE NOW TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO AND I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK WITHOUT LOSING ANYTHING. WITHOUT LOSING MYSELF, AND THAT IS SOMETHING I AM DOING FOR YOU. I THINK BACK A LOT TO THAT NIGHT IN THE FALL ON YOUR COUCH AND THE THINGS WE DISCUSSED. I WANTED YOU TO HOLD ONTO YOURSELF SO SELFISHLY BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF LOSING THE PERSON I WAS SO HOPELESSLY FALLING FOR. BUT I'M NOT SCARED OF THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE BOTH OF YOUR HALVES AND IF THERE EVER COMES A TIME WHERE YOU JUST CAN'T HOLD ON ANY LONGER, I'LL HELP YOU. BUT KNOW THAT I REFUSE TO GIVE IN BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO ABANDON YOU. I WAS HERE FIRST, AND I DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO POACHERS.
YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING. THIS IS JUST FOR YOU TO KNOW BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BETTER. I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE HERE NO MATTER WHAT. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO LOSE ME, AND I'M NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE WHEN I NEEDED YOU, AND BEING MY BEST FRIEND FIRST AND FOREMOST.
YOURS ALWAYS,
BLONDIE