after nate pulled out of the driveway saturday morning, isla was left to an empty, quiet house. she was supposed to go with him to the cabin, take the weekend to find her bearings and start to work on finding herself all over again. easier said than done.
the last couple of months isla felt like a husk of the person she used to be, it was plain and simple to see if anyone who knew her cared to look in her direction. she'd lost so much of what made her her that she began giving up on the rest of the things that were there. emotionally, she had taken on a lot during the last two years. kidnappings, possession, burning her best friends house down and trying to kill the man she loved before she even knew her feelings. it was astounding that she was even left standing after some of the things she'd been through.
now, all these months later, it began to weigh her down. she no longer felt like the teflon tough fighter she used to be. she could hardly even stand going into work anymore knowing that she wasn't doing it with passion, but just going through the motions to get through the day. that should have been the first red flag for anyone that knew her. isla always put her work and family first but lately both of them were falling to wayside because neither made her happy anymore.
for a while, she laid in bed, absorbing what was left of the warm indentation in thier bed, wrapped up in a warm blanket. she pulled the sheets up over her head and heaved a great sigh. if he was gone, there was no reason to get out of bed. there were a few errands she needed to run, but other than getting to the pharmacy early enough to pick up her perscrpitions, she didn't feel as if going out was all that necessary.
it was noon by the time she woke up again. no calls, no texts, no surprise. she rolled over to find mabel in the spot that nathan normally slept and sighed, rolling back over and curling in on herself. it was days just like this that prompted her to go back to her therapist. something she fought the idea of for years was having bipolar disorder. her mother had it, so isla was familiar with it up close and personal. it scared her to think that her great days were considered manic and her bad days were considered depressive episodes, so when she began piecing the puzzle together, she became more and more scared of the idea that she had a serious mental health disorder.
remembering the look on the face of her therapist as she read over the assessment isla had gone through, isla could hear her words echoing in her mind. "why did you wait so long to come back?" she asked, deep concern lining her her face.
isla's response was simple, but sheepish. she hated admitting her fears, but if she could tell them to anyone, it was to the therapist that assessed her. she waited with baited breath for those fears to be confirmed. when they weren't, all she could do was bury her head in her hands and let out a massive sigh of relief. it wasn't the end of the tunnel, but it was at least the light.
she'd been all to relieved to tell nate she didn't suffer from any sort of manic depressive disorders, and while she did still struggle with depression, anxiety and ptsd, it still felt better knowing she didn't follow in the same footsteps as her mother before her.
that didn't make her mood any better, though.
she knew the next few months were going to be trial and error as far as her unstable moods went. there were things she needed to work on once everything began to balance out, mainly finding herself. she had become a shadow of her former self and the merging of another life didn't help at all. her memories were folding in on themselves and there were some from her life she couldn't remember, and others from dinah's life that took over completely. it was these little nuances that began to chip away at the person she used to know.
there were things she wanted to do, but couldn't find it in herself to do them. she wanted to chase after nate, go to his cabin and spend the weekend with him after all. not because it was her place of comfort, but because she owed him that much. he had reluctantly taken the next step to move into her home, to begin a new chapter of their life together, but when he tried to help ease her mind, she turned her back on him. it was these sort of actions that made her hate herself a little more every single day. it was moments like the night before when she was telling him how she didn't want to go up there made her realize she wasn't at all the person she wanted to be for him. and she couldn't be the person she wanted to be for him until she was the person she wanted to be for herself.
sometime during the hours of his departure and her waking back up, she'd asked for the address to the entrance to star city. maybe she'd go there, cool off a little for the weekend and surround herself with things from her old life, things that would perk up the stronger half of her and wake up the senses she needed to get through this new low.
by 1, her bags were packed. she had 3 choices: she could go to the holistic retreat nathan had gifted her with for christmas, to star city if the address was provided, or she could go to him and work on rebuilding the slowy crumbling foundation of their relationship.
it was no surprise she chose the third option.